Personal insanity

Time and patience, Ashley. Time and patience. Just 60 more days. You can do it.
At least, this is what should be replaying in my head over and over. Instead, the thoughts in my head have been more to the tune of:
Fuck you. You don't deserve this. You're nothing but damaged goods. A burden. A waste of time.
Very typical. I wish I could rip my emotions out. I have a feeling this is due to taking two birth control pills yesterday - I had taken one as soon as I got home from work, and passed out for a few hours. I woke up and freaked out because I thought I hadn't, so I took another. It seems with the excess or lack of hormones in my body, I get far more emotional than I should. When I first started this type of birth control, I assumed the extra emotional stages were because I was "between periods", but then I started hitting each day as I was supposed to, missing nothing, and here I am still, fighting my emotions like some ravenous preteen just hitting puberty. Is this all my life has reduced to - a fight between pain and sanity? I'm almost at the point where I want to stop taking the pills, where the only thing I focus on is physical pain. But is physical pain really more tolerable than emotional pain? And is this just something come to pass? As in, maybe after a few cycles of sets of pills I'll be better. Or maybe I'll be worse. Maybe I'm meant to just physically suffer until I get my shit yanked after I'm done having children. Maybe I'm atoning for my previous sins of pre-marital sex. Or sleeping with a woman. Or having lustful thoughts towards women. Or ever being with someone who was attached, despite the circumstances. Or ever being sexual at all.
When will this cycle end? When will Eric get some peace and fucking quiet, already? I cause him pain and sorrow. It's all my fault, as per usual. Everything always has been.
Maybe I should keep all emotional expression somewhere else, like a physical journal. Maybe then I'll stop bothering him.

Fuck weakness

I've been given nothing but broken promises for so long that I sometimes don't understand being given an actual promise that is kept, right down to the tiniest detail. Being told "Soon, baby, soon," and suffering physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for as long as I have is taking its toll on me and him. Poor Eric, he has to put up with such silliness. But I know he does it willingly, for some strange reason. He claims it's love, I claim it's insanity. Either way, he's helping me in more ways than any other human could possibly even hope to. That, of course, is because no one has ever fully and truly loved me. Something, or many somethings, always held others back from that pure form of love. Or maybe they weren't really meant to love me fully. Maybe some of them were meant to be single for the rest of their lives, or find someone much better fitting for them, or even devote themselves to a life of celibacy. We'll never know. Every day I feel my body ache. I've been used in every way for so very long that my entire existence wants nothing but to collapse under the strain, pain, and intense pressure. My pillows have permanent stains from crying hundreds of tears from the loneliness and misery. I've never felt so full, yet so empty all at once. It's a very confusing sensation, to say the least. People would find me insane if I even attempted to explain such feelings. I'm sure I'm being looked at so oddly as this is being read. For I've never been a normal lover. Although, isn't normalcy quite droll? I am going to bury these thoughts and feelings the best I can until I have the ability to analyze further. Or when I allow myself to open up that deep again. Whichever comes first.

I saw a squirrel...

I was browsing through the song files on Zedge, looking for new and spiffy things for my phone. I came across Invader Zim files, and squeed immediately. I started browsing through them and came across one that nearly made me cry on the spot. I never realized it, but I'm still having trouble with a few things from my past. I guess not enough time has passed to heal the hurt. One day, I'm sure.

Possible future

Christopher and Julie proposed me with a crazy offer yesterday, one that I've heard several times, but this time with an added plus. Every time I see them, they practically beg me through persuasion techniques to move in with them. I'm so used to it by now it isn't even funny. And every time I declined for health reasons. Emotionally and mentally, I've been far too unhealthy to move back to Nacogdoches - that's where John and I lived together, and that's where the majority of my pain and darkness developed. But they approached me with this yesterday, and threw in Eric moving in as well. I was so shocked, because they've never met Eric and haven't even truly talked to him. They're the only family I have currently that is open and wanting to get to know him so much as wanting to live with him. It's amazing, and I'm so very happy about it. My parents seem so very disinterested in the fact that I'm dating someone. It's most likely because he's not currently in Houston, or even Texas for that matter. They most likely see him as another "John" or another "Mikey", and unfortunately concerning my parents, Eric has to prove his worth. It breaks my heart that they can't see how he reacts to me and at least give him a chance, (because I know my Facebook is blasted with love from him and my mother can see that) but instead they seem to ignore the fact.
I talked to Eric about this, and he was all gung-ho from the minute I mentioned living with them. It seemed he didn't care where it was, what the house was like, etc. as long as we got to be together and him get to know my family together, it would be perfect. I guess I'm the only one having afterthoughts about it all. I just really got settled into Houston, I'm making new friends, I'm really enjoying the sea and nightlife in a way I couldn't in Nac, and am really coming into myself as a woman here. I've always thrived far more around water and city life, and I'm have reservations about moving to Nac. This is a small college town in the middle of a forest with the closest water source being a lake about half an hour's drive away. The last time I lived there, I went nuts with lack of life. It certainly didn't help that almost everything in town closes at 10pm. I assume it's mostly because I lived with John and was practically confined to a space within five feet of him. I sent pictures of the house to him, and he still loves the idea, even though it's an older house with older character. How many bathtubs do you know have claw feet? The only downfall I see to this house is that it's right next door to a car lot, so we'd all have to get black-out curtains in every single room. Frustrating, because I love waking up to the sunlight with my lover, but we have no choice in this place.
It makes me happy, though, because we'd have a place to live together, and my parents couldn't really say shit because it would be family living with family and respective significant others. Christopher and Julie have been living together (with others) for over a year now, and they've never frowned down upon it. Although I've very recently had awful experiences with men, and my parents (mostly my mother) tends to look down upon anyone I date for this very reason. It breaks my heart that Eric is having to work insanely hard just to prove half of his worth, and I don't have to do anything but be myself for his family to want to get to know me and to trust me to take care of him as he deserves. I wish my parents were more accepting in this nature and actually noticed how he reacts to me instead of assuming distance = asshole.
Time will only tell.

Emotional abusers = normal relationship?

I have to rant about something for a minute. If you wish to not read, then skip ahead.
I was browsing through Xanga and I came across a post titled "Phases" with a picture of different phases of weather and relating them to stages of an emotionally abusive relationship. The actual post was talking about the normal doldrums of any type of relationship - does he like me, should I do this, what happens if we disagree, blah blah blah. This angered me and hurt me so deeply. Having been someone who was emotionally abused by more than one man, seeing this type of comparison was so sickening. For those who haven't ever been in a situation even remotely similar to mine wouldn't understand, either.
I look back at all of my normal relationships and smile. Yeah, some of the guys and girls weren't all that great, but they didn't hurt me all that deeply. And then there were the three that hurt me the most, in order - Ryan, John, and Mikey.
Ryan flat-out raped me and gave me hell for wanting to appease my mother, who gave me hell for wanting a boyfriend as bad as he and for "having sex" with him. I still haven't told her the truth on that one. I almost don't want to. The first time I ever cut myself was on a "date" with this individual.
John did the physically worst to me. First we fought emotionally. He was angry all of the time, which he blamed on his father treating him in the same manner as a child. His real problem was his addiction to cigarettes, which turned him into a monster if he didn't acquire the amount he thought he needed during the day. What started as hurtful words turned into slamming walls, thrown food and broken plates, and destroyed lamps, then throwing me up to the wall, shoving me across the room onto the bed, choking me in my sleep, punching me in the stomach, holding me at knife point, and the eventual anal rape. It took me over two years to find the strength to leave and stand on my own two feet. Unfortunately, my lover was not in the picture because of John's utter control of every detail of my life. The courage came from...
Mikey and I had dated in the past, but split on my own terms. He found me again after Hurricane Ike, when he thought I had died. He gave me the courage to rely on myself, and then slowly worked me back down to nothing. His was some of the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. Never had I truly felt what John had always called me, a manipulative bitch, a disgusting cunt, a filthy whore. And all because I wanted a life outside of him with male friends that I couldn't help but notice were attractive since I wasn't receiving the proper love I needed. My lover unfortunately had a front row seat to this event. I
At any rate, having been through what I have and seeing this girl post about how she's confused about "love" disgusted me so deeply. First off, what she spoke of was nothing but simple infatuation when you meet someone for the first time and expectations about things like the kiss at the end of the night, a second date, etc. Girls who don't have proper knowledge of how relationships are and can be on both ends of the spectrum and assume they know everything piss me off with a vengeance unrelated to anything I know. People in general who think they know everything anger me, but that's another story for another day.
I hope to teach my future children what relationships should be and shouldn't be. I want to one day be able to sit down with the both of them (because I only see one boy and one girl...always have) and discuss at length about things like this. I want them to know what their mother and father personally went through so they know not how to act and react within the special bond of a relationship. I hope hubbeh feels the same about this. I'm sure he does - he and I have very similar values on just about everything.
At any rate, stupid children are stupid.

Trauma.

I've asked Eric to go into my mind and tune up my empathyness for reasons I won't get in to online. Needless to say, I didn't start really feeling the effects until today. I saw a vision of the future, and it scares me quite deeply. I refuse to speak of it, because then it will become truth, and I don't want that for my lover and our future family. I'm trying to avoid it like a child as if it weren't true ... but this is the only coping skill I have for this sort of thing. I don't think I'll ever tell him, because if he catches wind of it, then he will change his mind. I don't know what I'd do if he changed his mind. I know this entire situation is a gamble. I will be put in danger, as obviously will Eric, and as will our future first child.
But enough of that.

"Illusion"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVf2EeTMNJo

I feel urged to post this link and the lyrics to it in hopes that it will be read by a very important person.

"Illusion"

I know it's hard to tell
How mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need
Is behind every door
Each time you get hurt
I don't want you to change
'Cause everyone has hopes
You're human after all

The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy
I truly understand
Please don't cry now

Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else
Who would comprehend
That some bad do lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what I believe
And it doesn't matter anyway

A part of your soul
Ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last
But I'm still not sure
But what I do know
Is to us the world is different
As we are to the world
I guess you would know that

Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate
For all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion
Trying to change you

Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please
Oh please don't leave here
I don't want you to change
For all the hurt that you feel
This world is just illusion
Always trying to change you