Time and patience, Ashley. Time and patience. Just 60 more days. You can do it.
At least, this is what should be replaying in my head over and over. Instead, the thoughts in my head have been more to the tune of:
Fuck you. You don't deserve this. You're nothing but damaged goods. A burden. A waste of time.
Very typical. I wish I could rip my emotions out. I have a feeling this is due to taking two birth control pills yesterday - I had taken one as soon as I got home from work, and passed out for a few hours. I woke up and freaked out because I thought I hadn't, so I took another. It seems with the excess or lack of hormones in my body, I get far more emotional than I should. When I first started this type of birth control, I assumed the extra emotional stages were because I was "between periods", but then I started hitting each day as I was supposed to, missing nothing, and here I am still, fighting my emotions like some ravenous preteen just hitting puberty. Is this all my life has reduced to - a fight between pain and sanity? I'm almost at the point where I want to stop taking the pills, where the only thing I focus on is physical pain. But is physical pain really more tolerable than emotional pain? And is this just something come to pass? As in, maybe after a few cycles of sets of pills I'll be better. Or maybe I'll be worse. Maybe I'm meant to just physically suffer until I get my shit yanked after I'm done having children. Maybe I'm atoning for my previous sins of pre-marital sex. Or sleeping with a woman. Or having lustful thoughts towards women. Or ever being with someone who was attached, despite the circumstances. Or ever being sexual at all.
When will this cycle end? When will Eric get some peace and fucking quiet, already? I cause him pain and sorrow. It's all my fault, as per usual. Everything always has been.
Maybe I should keep all emotional expression somewhere else, like a physical journal. Maybe then I'll stop bothering him.
What I see within my eyes brings inspiration for kindness and compassion. The light kept within draws all who love me and I love close when they turn astray and fall within the darkness. Never allow fear to consume you, dear. Feel the peace and serenity flow from within. Do not laugh in the face of the evil, but keep your distance. Feel the warmth and happiness glow inside, and enjoy the growth of such. Reach your arms into the sky and mourn the past but revel in the future. Come home to the light, lap in the luxury of the good and fair. Allow such to bathe you in purity, removing all that has tarnished your being. Allow that smile to creep across your face and wrap you in happiness. Always love openly and deeply. When you fear darkness encroach on you, follow the light. Keep your steps light but true. For I am the Lighthouse, the bringer of peace, hope, and light to all.