What I see within my eyes brings inspiration for kindness and compassion. The light kept within draws all who love me and I love close when they turn astray and fall within the darkness. Never allow fear to consume you, dear. Feel the peace and serenity flow from within. Do not laugh in the face of the evil, but keep your distance. Feel the warmth and happiness glow inside, and enjoy the growth of such. Reach your arms into the sky and mourn the past but revel in the future. Come home to the light, lap in the luxury of the good and fair. Allow such to bathe you in purity, removing all that has tarnished your being. Allow that smile to creep across your face and wrap you in happiness. Always love openly and deeply. When you fear darkness encroach on you, follow the light. Keep your steps light but true. For I am the Lighthouse, the bringer of peace, hope, and light to all.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Fuck weakness


I've been given nothing but broken promises for so long that I sometimes don't understand being given an actual promise that is kept, right down to the tiniest detail. Being told "Soon, baby, soon," and suffering physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for as long as I have is taking its toll on me and him. Poor Eric, he has to put up with such silliness. But I know he does it willingly, for some strange reason. He claims it's love, I claim it's insanity. Either way, he's helping me in more ways than any other human could possibly even hope to. That, of course, is because no one has ever fully and truly loved me. Something, or many somethings, always held others back from that pure form of love. Or maybe they weren't really meant to love me fully. Maybe some of them were meant to be single for the rest of their lives, or find someone much better fitting for them, or even devote themselves to a life of celibacy. We'll never know.
Every day I feel my body ache. I've been used in every way for so very long that my entire existence wants nothing but to collapse under the strain, pain, and intense pressure. My pillows have permanent stains from crying hundreds of tears from the loneliness and misery. I've never felt so full, yet so empty all at once. It's a very confusing sensation, to say the least. People would find me insane if I even attempted to explain such feelings. I'm sure I'm being looked at so oddly as this is being read. For I've never been a normal lover. Although, isn't normalcy quite droll?
I am going to bury these thoughts and feelings the best I can until I have the ability to analyze further. Or when I allow myself to open up that deep again. Whichever comes first.

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